Pacem in Terris

After reading your comments to my last email I thought I would tell you a little bit about my time at Pacem in Terris. As I said in my email, I was really not doing well a couple of weeks ago, the stress of the end of the school year, stuff with Adam's dad, and just not taking care of my own heart for a while had left me so tired and just not doing well. 

On the way home from visiting Adam's parent's, I told Adam I thought I needed to get away and asked if it would be OK to spend the money to go to Pacem. He of course said it was fine and encouraged me to go. I was actually a little scared to go because I felt so out of touch with my heart and I was scared to see what might be lingering beneath the surface. 

I arrived around 11:00 am and as the lady took me to my little hermitage she asked me why I was coming and how they could pray for me. I told her I just felt so tired and out of touch and just need to Lord to restore and heal me. She pointed to the bed and encouraged me to sleep a lot of I needed to. 

I did end up taking a long nap each day I was there and slept about 12 hours at night. It was great. I was a little restless at times but it was a really great time away. I was hoping that the Lord would really speak to me, specifically and uniquely and had been praying for that but it kind of seemed like he was silent while I was there. BUT, and it's a big BUT, after being back for a while I've realized that the Lord actually spoke to me a lot while I was there. Here are a few things the Lord has been speaking to me about.

1. Be still and know that I am God. This phrase is posted around Pacem and there were times when I was praying about something and wanting the Lord to give me insight or understanding and the whole time I felt like he was saying, " Hanni, just be still and know that I am God, that is all you need to know right now."  I've been reflecting on that and I think what I realized is that I am so quick to analyze my life, to try to figure out what is wrong and why it's wrong and what I need to do. I get tired and exhausted and confused and sad when I do this and I think the message God has been whispering into my heart is, "Hanni let me take this, you don't need to figure it out, just trust me to change you and provide what you need."  My prayers started to change at Pacem. Instead of praying Lord, why am I sad, why does this still bother me etc etc., my prayers changed to,  "Lord I'm sad, I pray you would heal my heart and restore me. Lord I'm still afraid, I don't want to figure out how to change but would you change me, give me greater faith. " It was this change of stopping trying to figuring out in my own strength and giving it to God. Life is much easier this way.

2. I need to live a life of praise. When I get my eyes of of the Lord and who He is, I focus more on myself and my circumstances. He is the name above all names, perfect for every need, more powerful than I can ever imagine. I need to keep my eyes on who He is, not me or my circumstances.

3. I have lived my life fearing man instead of fearing God. You know how at times God seems to speak to us by bringing up the same thing over and over again. In books, sermons, conversations etc. That is what he has been doing with fear of man. So much of my stress comes from fearing people instead of fearing God. I'm reading a great book right now called, When People are Big and God is Small. It's really good. I've decided that I'm going to study the Fear of the Lord this summer. I'll keep you posted about what I'm learning.

I wanted to share all of this with you since a few of you asked and because I miss sharing with you. I hope you enjoy and someday when you really need to get away I hope you can go to Pacem or a place like it.

Love to you!